When his husband was alive, there were many disagreements between husband and wife because of his dissonance and trivial matters in life. Some unpleasant things are not worth mentioning now when I think of them, but at that time, people felt painful and even gnashed their teeth and made many unbearable vows. I thought it was so childish, although I was already confused at that time. Later, I realized that there is someone who can argue with you and make you capricious. This is happiness in itself. Although parents are close to each other, they are elders and can’t say anything; Children are cute, but they are the next generation. You can only allow her to play coquetry, but you can’t make sex with her. But when something makes you understand, it is already the past. Life is always like this. When you are in life, you are always confused; When you understand, that life has already left you. You can only look at it from a distance and sigh.
The way we settled the dispute was very simple at that time. Once things couldn’t be eased, he proposed to help me move. This is because he has thoroughly understood my temper. I like to move when I am in a bad mood-of course, I am not moving from this house to another house, but tossing around in one room. After reading a book about psychology, I realized that my behavior also had theoretical basis. There was a psychological treatment method to adjust my mood, which was to move.
At that time, we lived in a house called “one and a half rooms. A large room is 18 meters, while that “half” room is only 4 meters. I can be obsessed with the design of indoor decoration for a whole day or several days. Including when lying in bed, he drew the indoor layout in his mind, and sometimes he jumped up at midnight to force him to implement it for me. So in those years of living together, my small family was tossed back and forth for countless times. Except for the side with windows, the other walls of the cabinet have been placed. However, the wardrobe was moved from the big house to the small house, from the small house to the big house. I don’t know how many rounds were moved. Because the three-opened wardrobe was so heavy as could be imagined, every time he moved, he had to move it. He protested and swore that he would never move it for me next time, but next time or next time, still. The most horrible thing was that later we had a piano. When the piano was carried in, it was four workers who shouted the trumpet and warned me that they must have a place to put it, otherwise, it was too difficult to move it again-but it was moved at least three times later. Every time he was alone, he used some kind of mechanical principle. It was incredible, but he did it. When I walked around him in surprise to show my confusion, he proudly showed off and asked me: do you know what I am do? I know that he graduated from a famous Engineering University and went to graduate school. His supervisor’s comments on him were “strong hands-on ability”. So all the things that need to be done at home, from water to electricity, to carpenters, bricklayers, painters, From repairing the bicycle sewing machine to repairing the recorder and TV, he took it all by himself. This is why I couldn’t even install a lamp tube later.
Life can numb many feelings of people, including the pain of skin. Years can also blur many memories of people, including what you think is deep in your heart. But I will never forget the move. Because I am still me, and I am in a bad mood, but I can no longer resolve it by moving.
Later, I moved to another place in a real sense, and employed a moving company. But soon after that, my old problem came again, and the uncomfortable furnishings in the room were almost everywhere. Everything to put are so not place. If I don’t move, I can’t live in this house any more.
I sat in the room blankly, facing the furniture which was not pleasing to my eyes, just like facing the unhappy life, I could do nothing. The mood that could be relieved by moving home before is nowhere to be solved now. The loneliness and sadness in it are hard to tell others. Sometimes I seem to see him laughing like a joke. Look, you have to beg me again? At that time, he often said to me like this, with a proud face.
Yin and Yang are separated, even if I want to ask you again, where can I find it?
Finally, I couldn’t help moving home again. Of course, I was still tossing about in the same house. I asked my niece and daughter for help. Things don’t wait to be lifted, just call it heavy first. I managed to finish the trouble according to my intention. At first glance, the furniture was scarred and heartbroken.
Because he made these furniture one by one, painting them over and over again. Ten years later, bright as new. Let the professional oil workers sigh that they can’t do such a job either. I understand that it’s not because they don’t have this technology, but because of their beloved family, who is willing to make such efforts? I sat down without saying a word. Facing the new design, I knew that my moving career had become my past forever. What I have to do is how to restrain my mood. I have no reason to complain any more, because no one has listened any more.
People’s fate is sometimes very strange. Some people do not lack marriage but love in their whole life; Some people do not lack houses but have no homes in their whole life. Some people read countless books in their whole life without thinking; Some people do whatever they want in their whole life without themselves, etc. There is a story about a foreign rich man, which makes my heart feel the same. What he said was that an old man was wandering in the street, which surprised the people who saw him and asked him why he was standing here. The old man replied, “I can’t find a home. The questioner was even more strange, because the old man stood in front of his unknown mansion. But when people showed it to the old, the old was indifferent: “That’s a house, not a home.”
I think I often move around, maybe subconsciously, I am also looking for the feeling of my own home.
Home, home, what on earth is home? I read an article in Mr. Bing Xin’s prose, which said that she, who had almost become an old man in the century, always walked back to her childhood home in the wandering dream. At this time, I realized that the umbilical cord of childhood was connected to the root of our life. Whether it is a great man or an ordinary person, even a bad person, the impression of his childhood home may be the last dwelling place of his remaining humanity. The concept of home has nothing to do with the rich and the poor. It has nothing to do with the house. It is only related to the memory and feeling of your life.
People are reluctant to leave home but have to leave home. I just got used to having my own home, and moved out of my relationship when moving around. Suddenly, it was cut off by the Sword of Destiny for no reason. The feeling of home left me again.
I silent speechless. Some feelings of people can only belong to themselves. It is difficult for people to communicate with each other, so people need a home or a place called a house to stick to and place themselves. Different cultures may have different choices for life. The ancient China sticks to the countryside and the tradition of ending, which is preserved in our bodies and consciousness like blood vessels, making people run a home with their whole lives. However, in Westerners, there is a legend that they are constantly looking for. No matter Gold wool or gold apples represent happiness, they will not wait there for you to pick them up. In many religious stories, what are told are the long trudges and migrations. People go from having no home to having a home, from having a sleepless night to high-rise buildings. No matter they stick to it or look for it, in fact, they should try their best to get rid of the wandering feeling after leaving their mother and womb and seek a new destination. Home is just a place for human beings to rest temporarily in the process of searching. This point, no matter the common feeling at home and abroad, is just different ways of expression. People never get satisfaction or answers because they stick to it or seek for it, so modern people carry their bags more. It is said that people from developed countries such as the United States didn’t really move home several times in their life and didn’t change their jobs for more than a dozen times, which was called immature and distrusting. The manors carefully built by European nobles in those years have become more ornamental places now. I don’t know where the children and grandchildren have moved away. In the process of modernization, China has also left many desolate villages.
From having no home to having a home, then to leaving home; From having no house to having a house, then to giving up the ancestral house. Human beings are looking for the most ideal way of living in the self-denial time and time again.
I’m moving again. This time the house is bigger and of higher grade. The silent elevator sent people upstairs quietly. In the spacious and big house, there is a buzzing echo. In the envious eyes of others, I have no nostalgia at all. Because it seems that there is always a faint call in my heart, which makes me leave this city with too many traces of past life, and leave this place where I can’t find the feeling of home for a long time. My daughter asked me, what about our house? I answered her casually. Of course, I sold it. We don’t live here anymore. Why do we want the house? My daughter said in horror, “then I don’t have a home?”
This sentence shocked me. I suddenly understood that the place where I felt no home was exactly the place where she lived from childhood, the umbilical cord of her childhood and the root of her life. She is still in an age of dependence on her family. Will she, who left here, suffer from the pain of my homeless life someday in the future? I always feel that I am so naive that I don’t understand anything. I often rebuke myself as a heartless daughter. Do I have this feeling?
I’m almost too old to move home, where should I put my home? I used to be beside my mother, but now I am in my daughter’s heart. But where does my life belong?